Dear Manager of A-Well-Known-Greeting-Card Company
I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your personal thoughts with me today. I cannot even begin to tell you how it felt to know that you considered me as equally-deserving of your attention as the individual with whom you were speaking on the phone.
I have a few thoughts I’d like to share with you.
I don’t actually care that you think you can get away to pick up Sweetie by 4:00 PM. Nor do I care that dinner will be ready when you both get home because you put it in the slow-cooker this morning. However I am with you regarding not sharing Sweetie’s excitement that company will be arriving for dinner at 5:00 PM this Saturday. Unless of course, your reason is because you just want to buy a damned birthday card and get out of the store.
If you’re that tired, just tell Sweetie to take the bus today. You should go straight home, eat that pre-cooked meal of yours and get some rest. Don’t eat too much though; you could stand to lose a few pounds. A little bit of exercise wouldn’t kill you either. Or maybe it would; it looks like it’s been awhile.
I do have to admit though I am with Sweetie regarding the time. Really, 5:00 PM should give you plenty of time to get ready for your company. To be safe, why not just call in sick for the rest of the week? After all, I was able to completely fend for myself today so I am sure any other customers that come into the store can do the same.
Oh and thanks for being so kind as to use your free hand (what with the other hand holding the telephone to your ear) to direct my attention to that sign promoting your ‘Buy one, get one free’ offer. Unfortunately, while it appeared to be a fabulous deal, I had such a difficult time concentrating on the one card I actually had to buy given I was becoming quite concerned over the alarming chain of events as they unfolded during our conversation with Sweetie.
However, if you could use that hand one last time to point me in the direction of the section that carries cards bearing the sentiment ‘I am so sorry you lost your job today. I sure hope I had nothing to do with it,’ I would in turn lower the hand that is currently holding up one of my fingers.
A Little Tiny Division of I-Will-Make-My-Cards-Out-Of-Toilet-Paper-Before-I-Will-Ever-Shop-In-Your-Store-Again